I am unexpected. I am an out of wedlock pregnancy that solidified a union.
I am a gentle kick inside my mother’s womb on her wedding day.
I am the stiff upper lip as the word divorce falls upon me, wide eyed and stoic.
I am a child silently hovering in the garage watching my father pack his albums in his car.
I am a little soul standing at the door waving goodbye to him so he never feels forgotten.
I am the honors student from a top University who marries the boy who works at the gas station.
I am the first time mom alone on her darkest night of the soul with her son, convinced she was not cut out for this.
I am the straight A student who abandoned her career goals to raise her children.
I am the mother who chose to keep her third child despite gripping fear of financial and psychological consequences.
Leaving that embodiment, I am feverish now:
the woman dashing up a spiral staircase, slaying dragons along the way.
I will not let down my hair.
I vow to rescue myself.
Suddenly I am the one who has abandoned friends, hurt family members, and scarred people that I love.
For a moment I want my Self back.
I become the one who shows up unexpectedly for bathtime duty the night you became a single mom,
I rip sheetrock out of your home the day a flood washes it away;
I drive you to doctor’s appointments, therapy, and courtrooms not knowing who we will be when we return quietly to the car.
I am still the one who is in that silence.I magically appear in life’s mysterious moments of monumental shifts.
I disappear when you disconnect and dissociate from your darkness.
I am all of these humans. I am none of these humans.
What is my essence? What is the DNA of my thread in this collective tapestry of life?
I am not the sun, radiant and brilliant in every moment regardless of the clouds. I am a new moon, light continuing to expand – again and again -though it knows its dark night is coming.
I am the pinhole of light in an enveloping ceiling of darkness. Do you see me now?
the light.I am all.