Uncategorized, Writing

Releasing Duality

I am unexpected. I am an out of wedlock pregnancy that solidified a union.

I am a gentle kick inside my mother’s womb on her wedding day.

I am the stiff upper lip as the word divorce falls upon me, wide eyed and stoic.

I am a child silently hovering in the garage watching my father pack his albums in his car.

I am a little soul standing at the door waving goodbye to him so he never feels forgotten.

I am the honors student from a top University who marries the boy who works at the gas station.

I am the first time mom alone on her darkest night of the soul with her son, convinced she was not cut out for this.

I am the straight A student who abandoned her career goals to raise her children.

I am the mother who chose to keep her third child despite gripping fear of financial and psychological consequences.

All Ego.

Leaving that embodiment, I am feverish now:
the woman dashing up a spiral staircase, slaying dragons along the way.
I will not let down my hair.
I vow to rescue myself.

Suddenly I am the one who has abandoned friends, hurt family members, and scarred people that I love.

For a moment I want my Self back.

I become the one who shows up unexpectedly for bathtime duty the night you became a single mom,

I rip sheetrock out of your home the day a flood washes it away;

I drive you to doctor’s appointments, therapy, and courtrooms not knowing who we will be when we return quietly to the car.

A light bringer.
A truth teller.
I am still the one who is in that silence.I magically appear in life’s mysterious moments of monumental shifts.

I disappear when you disconnect and dissociate from your darkness.

I am all of these humans. I am none of these humans.

What is my essence? What is the DNA of my thread in this collective tapestry of life?

I am not the sun, radiant and brilliant in every moment regardless of the clouds. I am a new moon, light continuing to expand – again and again -though it knows its dark night is coming.

I am the pinhole of light in an enveloping ceiling of darkness. Do you see me now?

The surprise,
the kick,
the daughter,
the wife,
the mother,
the friend,
the quitter,
the fighter,
the soul,
the silence,
the light.I am all.
I am none.
I am you.

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